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Like any loss, the death of my uncle was difficult to comprehend.

 

…When you lose something you can't replace…

 

Thinking about it and the possibility of that truth made me feel like I was floating around in nowhere. I felt like I was living in a dream, everything was happening really fast and I kept missing out on the details. Besides the struggle to understand, it was also a struggle to catch up on the things I’d missed while I was too busy being in denial

 

…When you try your best, but you don't succeed…

 

And I realized, even if I come to an understanding of the events, I’ll need to come to accept them. But no, it was too unreal…

 

…When you get what you want, but not what you need…

 

I WANT to know, but I NEED to understand…

 

His death had come at a turbulent time. The country was in the middle of a crisis. The day he died, the city erupted into a violent mess and soon most of the country was in flames. My family fled the country before any plans for the funeral could be made. Given his position in government, it would have to be a State funeral, but the State was not in a position to facilitate that.

 

Here I am, a year on, back in my homeland. The country was in ruins but at least there was peace. Not just calm, peace.

 

…When the tears come streaming down your face…

 

Everything is empty. The buildings are just skeletons of the structures that had once been. There are burned-out shells of vehicles in the streets that military men are hard at work clearing, but their faces are empty too.  I used to think that soldiers were so accustomed to death but now I realize I was wrong. Their faces are devoid of emotion but not these men. I can see a hint of something in their faces, I just can’t tell what exactly it is…

 

…When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse…

 

Now we’re sitting in a small screening room. It looks like the first ever movie theatres. I know that because when he was a live, my uncle showed me a photograph of him and his childhood friend Tommy that had been taken in such a theatre.

 

But here he is with us now like he never left. He’s smiling with us and he wants to tell us the story of his life. We get into our seats as he turns on the projector. It’s loaded with slides depicting his life. As the first slide comes on the song starts to play…

 

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

 

The show brings tears to my eyes and halfway through I can’t take it anymore. I turn to look at my uncle but he’s not there. Everybody else is watching the show, sniffling quietly into their handkerchiefs. No one noticed him leaving.

 

The song is still playing as we make our way out. It’s twilight now and a little foggy. I see the military vehicles driving in, one of them carrying a casket with my uncle’s photograph sitting on top of it in a frame.

 

There’s a narrow path leading to the grave and it’s lit with paper lanterns.

 

…Lights will guide you home…

 

 As I walk down it, I feel like I’m walking down the aisle at a wedding. It is a wedding of sorts… today we’re committing his body to the ground, a year after he died. It’s finally happening.

 

I wake up to a dull morning. Despite the recent events and the foul weather, I feel warm. I turn in my bed and see the man lying next to me, and the song continues to play:

 

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

 

 

* text in bold is from the lyrics to Fix You by Coldplay.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 at 12:18 pm and is filed under Music. You can follow responses to this entry through the Comments RSS Feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your site.